Demetri Martin (25 May 1973, New York City, New York, USA) movies list and roles

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny...Show more »

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. Show less «

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh r...Show more »

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. Show less «

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when...Show more »

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade. Show less «

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a ...Show more »

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me. Show less «

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially...Show more »

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. Show less «

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to chur...Show more »

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' Show less «

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just ...Show more »

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me. Show less «

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy....Show more »

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Show less «

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

To me, comedy is a game.

People only have so much attention.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very simil...Show more »

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy. Show less «

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat i...Show more »

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival. Show less «

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. A...Show more »

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. Show less «

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and...Show more »

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. Show less «

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writin...Show more »

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' Show less «

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

I love Steven Wright.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right tra...Show more »

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. Show less «

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your...Show more »

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' Show less «

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just maile...Show more »

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!' Show less «

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I...Show more »

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. Show less «

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous...Show more »

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. Show less «

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that...Show more »

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' Show less «

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I f...Show more »

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. Show less «

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me th...Show more »

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. Show less «

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering....Show more »

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.' Show less «

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's na...Show more »

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar! Show less «

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in t...Show more »

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' Show less «

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, yo...Show more »

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' Show less «

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, sh...Show more »

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. Show less «

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put...Show more »

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' Show less «

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't wan...Show more »

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. Show less «

[on performing in stand-up comedy] I have to trust that I will come up with something good each day, whether it's a drawing or a joke or a c...Show more »

[on performing in stand-up comedy] I have to trust that I will come up with something good each day, whether it's a drawing or a joke or a couple of jokes, or an idea for a story, or a paragraph. You keep pushing and try to be disciplined and organized, so I find stuff and say, 'There's an idea I think that will will work in a book two years fro now'. Then, when the deadline comes closer, I can sift through the pile and know what I've got to work with. Show less «

[on producing an indie movie] It's humbling. You get twenty days to shoot the thing and you think you're ready, and then of course reality h...Show more »

[on producing an indie movie] It's humbling. You get twenty days to shoot the thing and you think you're ready, and then of course reality hits you. It's like 'They're having trouble parking the truck; there's a helicopter up there so we have to wait for sound'. You can just see the minutes ticking away and we're losing light. It's all those things that you really don't have to worry about with stand-up. Show up to the gig, tell the jokes for an hour then you're done. Show less «