Dane Cook

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

[To Simon Cowell] You have the honesty of Abraham Lincoln and all the charm of the man who shot him.

(2011) There was a moment with a heckler where - I haven't thought about this in so long - I think I was having such a strong performance that night that this guy's date was attracted to my powerful energy - me being the guy performing. Maybe in this guy's life, he was that powerful guy. Anyway, he shouted some shit at me. We had a little toe-to-toe and what I ended up doing is breaking down to this guy's date why she shouldn't be with a man like this. It was surgical the way I was going in and asking her questions and getting truth out of her. By the end of the show, they had stormed off angrily. Then two days later, I got an e-mail from her asking me out to dinner...She wrote, "I don't want to be with a guy who's like that." So many truths had come to the surface just from what I - I learned that when you really get that eye contact with somebody and you're on stage, you can pull the truth out of someone. Just like Howard Stern does on the radio. He pulls the truth out of his listeners before they even realize it. I kind of learned those tricks and how to get into audience members' souls a little. I'd have therapeutic moments like that which would lead to somewhat life-altering moments. Sometimes they are minuscule but in this case, it led to the end of a relationship. He was a douchebag and maybe his date didn't realize it until he behaved in that manner. I just brought it all out of him. Show less «

(2011) My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now. Here I was, reaching a larger success in my life but simultaneously dealing with this. My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare. It's amazing the lessons that came out of that. I had to go inward and first, I had to accept my accomplishments which I had never done. I don't think I ever sat and enjoyed them. I was always thinking, "What's next, what's next" or just trying to accomplish something for my folks. A gift that [those experiences] gave me was that they taught me to stop and appreciate what I've done. I've done a lot and it's okay to share that. Now, I'm starting with something that is all for me. I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations. Show less «

(2011) My nickname for my mom was "The Compass." She actually passed away a few years ago. She always knew the direction I had before I knew it. I had zero belief in myself growing up. I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks. Once I left my house I was a wreck. Yet, here was this empowered, funny, very cool woman - my mom would listen to AC/DC's "Hells Bells" with my friends in the car - and she would tell me, "You have a lot of soul, Dane. Every day, you have to believe in yourself." I had so much insecurity though and she saw [my whole future] laid out. I can't tell you how many times I'd call my mom to tell her, "I'm hosting SNL" and she'd just say, "I know." She knew it was all going to happen. Show less «

[2011, on his dream role] Neil LaBute's play, Fat Pig - we were set to do that and we were about a week away from going back to rehearsal when we lost our key financier. So, unfortunately now, it's looking like we might not be doing it until the spring, if we can do it at all. The part of "Carter" though, that I saw a few years ago when Chris Pine played him - I saw the play and immediately said, "That's the character I want to play."... It's a four-person play. "Tom", my character's best friend, basically falls in love with an obese woman. We all think she is the greatest until we meet her. Based on physicality, I try to talk him out of this relationship. My character is just an asshole - a caustic, sterile, verbally abusive character. Yet, there is this great moment where Carter talks about his obese mother and what he experienced growing up with her. Similar to my character in Answers to Nothing (2011), it starts out with my character being a complete jerk. No [audience member] is going to want this guy back and yet there is this tremendous floodgate moment where he just opens up and admits that he hated his mother because of her weight. I love roles where you take risks and I don't mind that these characters polarize people. Show less «

[2011, on Answers to Nothing (2011)] What appealed to me about this film is that it was an ensemble piece. Little movie, low budget and we were all going to be in the trenches, together. We wanted to get it above the line, we hoped that it would get into theaters, we hoped people would see it. Those were the early conversations. Hopefully with this success and if people find the film, I'll be up for more compelling roles that are not necessarily just dramatic but different kinds of comedy. Like Jason Reitman that I admire or Woody Allen. It's funny because I love comedic directors that know how to utilize a comic's ability for the tender moments as well. Show less «