Artie Lange

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

[on allegations of homophobia] I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too. Show less «

I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.

I was in five movies that got a total of four stars from The Daily News. And the reviews of "Beer League" were nothing compared to "Dirty Work." The review in my home town paper, The Star Ledger, said that I "had all the charm of a date rapist." I felt really bad about that, then Norm [MacDonald]; he's trying to cheer me up, being totally serious; says "well, a date rapist has to have way more charm than a regular rapist!" Show less «

The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons. There's a couple of shows like that, The Simpsons is another one, smart people and stupid people love The Simpsons for totally different reasons; that's why it's a big hit, everybody's either smart or stupid so a lot of people watch it. Our show, smart people and stupid people love it for different reasons and early on in my career I made a commitment to myself; I refuse to cater to stupid people. What we do on the air is just try to be funny and hope that the smart people listen more than the dumb people. Show less «

[on Howard Stern] Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.

I had a job that people in this business would absolutely kill for on the sitcom I was on, I was working with one of my best friends. Laurie Metcalf was in the cast, really talented people on the Warner Brothers lot in LA. I was a supporting character making 35 grand a week, some weeks I'd have two lines. I had a job making 35 grand a week where I didn't have to take anything to work; I didn't have a briefcase or a piece of paper. I had ridiculously lame, easy jokes to memorize; like the jokes on that show would be I'd go to Norm MacDonald and say 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' and he'd say 'No, I'm not thinking of cheeseburgers,' then I'd make a face like 'oh, you got me' and then I'd walk out and then I'd get 35 grand on a Friday. So I had a convertible Mercedes, I was living in a four-thousand dollar a month condo on Willshire and Beverly Hills, I was healthy, I was thin, I had a tan. Even with that life, creatively I was empty inside, I couldn't stand it, after two years I had to get out of there, I was going crazy pulling the hairs out of my head. Show less «

[His opinion of Howard Stern's Wack Pack] There's times when it's heartbreaking to see some of the people get on the air and speak about their lives. This is a very difficult subject because the one argument is you're giving some sort of wonderful gift to these people that their becoming mini-celebrities. Beetlejuice is an example, he's a retarded, black midget who drinks all the time and has got bad teeth. The guy's a rock star, he makes over six figures a year doing appearances because the show made him famous and I really think he's having a good time with it; he seems happy, he seems to like the attention and all the partying and everything. Whereas, without that his life would be lonely and pathetic and everything. Now, that's me justifying what we do, that's the positive argument. He could go home and have really dark, dark times thinking about 'oh, their laughing at me and I'm being exploited.' But he gets paid a lot of money and the people that handle him seem to be good, honest people and I hope that they take care of him. But look, we don't see him 24 hours a day, he seems to be fine with it. But if I knew that one of these people that comes on our show all the time was really hurting about it and felt exploited and was sad; to be honest with you, that would really make me upset and I would question having them on again if that were the case. I genuinely think that the people that come on our show enjoy it, enjoy the attention and I think it enriches their lives that would have been really boring, mundane and, for lack of a better word, horrible without this love. Show less «

[on John Belushi] He was so powerful on SNL that every sketch show since then needs a Belushi guy. I was the Belushi guy on MADtv.

[on his drug and alcohol addiction] I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something. There's that story about how Eric Clapton saw Jimi Hendrix play, and he supposedly went home and cried because he could never be that good. I would never do anything that fruity, but I can relate to that. I wish I was as great as other guys, and that sucks. So I get the blues, and I self-medicate. Show less «

[on Clay Aiken's fans' negative reaction to his coming out of the closet] That just shows you how immature they are. I was like 28 when I found out Elton John was gay and I didn't care, I kept buying his albums. Show less «

[on techno music] When you're on that ecstasy shit, this sounds like "Hey Jude".

There's a lot of things I used to say both in my personal and professional life that I find embarrassing and I'm ashamed of and I'm dead honest about that. Stuff like the word "faggot;" on my first DVD, I use it a lot, I use the n-word because I'm telling a story and it's in a context that, to me, is not offensive. A lot of black people and gay people have said they're not offended by it at all because it's funny, but I look back and judge it on my own... I think we live in a more enlightened generation now and, absolutely, I think twice before I say things. If someone came to me and told me that something I said caused some kid to commit suicide, I'd be in a nuthouse for the rest of my life, I really would. I don't think of myself as a bigoted, mean person, I think of myself as trying to be funny and I always had an attitude where "as long as it's funny, it's not offensive" and a lot of great comics think that. I think we're living in a more enlightened time now where you should think twice about certain things because, ultimately, you're talking about people... I still am proud of a lot of my work but I certainly wouldn't do some of the things that I used to do. Now if some people don't want to accept that and don't want to forgive me for stuff that I might've said before, I promise you it wasn't done hate, but that's your prerogative and I'm not going to argue with you, you're entitled to that opinion. But the kid asked a good question: I certainly think twice about it, I know a lot of comics that do, just about language in general. I was always somebody coming from a blue collar neighborhood and I never went to college and I worked on the port as a longshoreman where those words were thrown around like crazy and I always consider myself having a thick skin. But you get older and you hopefully get more compassionate. Look, I still make jokes about every group of people that there are, I'm not going to be a hypocrite, here. But there's things, like, in "It's The Whisky Talkin'", two guys get up from their chairs to go to the bathroom, and I'm drunk by the end of that, and I said "where are you going, faggots?" It gets a huge laugh just because its a throwaway line, I wouldn't do that now. I mean, if it's in the right context it can be funny, but I wouldn't use it at all now, on the off chance, maybe they were gay or maybe a gay person hears that and says "wow, that brings up something horrible" and I think I should have more responsibility than that at this point in my life. I'm older and wiser and more enlightened. So I do try to keep myself in check, without question. Show less «

The Godfather Trilogy box set is the perfect party because you can watch One and Two, then do coke off of Three!

I was born in 1967, so when you tell me the guy who won the decathlon in 1976 is becoming a woman, just give me four seconds to adjust. That's all I want. I'm not in the Klan, I want the guy to be happy. But if I roll my eyes a little bit, young people say 'what, do you hate him?' No! Just, give me a couple of seconds! That's all I need. Show less «

It's a better world from political correctness, but worse comedy-wise.