Ari Shaffir

[on being described as being part of the 'man-chld demographic'] For comics, it is. We're all children. I'm 38 but I just had this discussion today. Ralphie May said he changes his sheets every week and he looked at me and started laughing, because of my reaction. He was like, 'How often do you change your sheets?' I'm like, 'I don't know, man, not that often, every five, six months maybe?' I'm like an overgrown child! I don't know how to do anything! Show less «

I grew up so conservative. I grew up as an orthodox Jew. Then every once in awhile I had these sexual experiences where the child in me just can't believe it. If it's something ridiculous that happened, those things make me laugh so hard, so I just want to share those, just sexual misconduct. Some lady in Dallas was like, 'Do you ever get laid?', some audience member. I was like, 'Well, why?'. 'That's all you talk about'. I was like,'First of all it's not all I talk about. Second of all you have giant fake tits, so don't assume you're better than me in any way'. What's the difference? We all fuck. It's still sort of interesting me, because it's still taboo from what I was. Show less «

Nobody wants to be Jewish. We are the most victim-y race of all time. We just take it. Whatever it is, we just take it. Nobody has Jewish jealousy. Maybe accountants. Nobody wants to be us, we're the lamest! We don't even want to be us. We invented the word self-hating. Show less «

[on being asked his idea of the most perfect gift for his mother on Mother's Day] From me? Probably a grandchild. That isn't going to happen. I'm like, 'Mom, all your kids from me, they're in heaven. I took care of them. They're not going to come out'. Show less «