Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

In one way, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a triumph for producer Michael Bay in that it is equally as godawful as his Transformers: Age of Extinction and a hit nonetheless.

It's essentially a Transformers movie - a Michael Bay production complete with mass destruction, urban panic, white-hot lighting, inane quips, product placement, explosions and, well, Megan Fox.

I had to draw on my own ninja training and reflect intensively on the transitory nature of all phenomena, just to fend off the profound yearning for death.

It's pretty much business as usual: one personality trait per turtle (with the most screen time for party-dude Michelangelo), lots of wisecracks, plenty of thin-crust product placement (Pizza Hut this time around), and even a last-minute cowabunga.

Turtles fans might have been looking for their own Avengers. They get Alvin and the Chipmunks on performance enhancers and mass-market pizza instead. In Hollywood, history repeats first as farce, then as marketing.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles doesn't so much provide brainless enjoyment as it pummels the viewer into submission. "Shell-shocked" is a reasonable description of the experience.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a pretty bad movie, but it isn't because of the reasons you will see on message boards or comment sections.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a sloppy, unholy mess. It is a blight, not only upon the art of cinema, but upon humanity itself.

Michael Bay, using Megan Fox as bait, hit pay dirt with "Transformers." Now they've made a nice amusement park thrill-ride with 2014's 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' re-tread.

Worth its weight in junk food.

The failure of [the film] is not a result of irreverence towards the original source material, but rather a lack of curiosity and imagination concerning that promising title it's cashing in for name recognition.

It has hints of heart, and one or two good sequences, but a rent-a-baddie villainy, a poor storyline and paper thin characters leave it floundering in generic action territory.