Red Sonja

None of this would matter if Red Sonja was the least bit exciting, or sexy, or even funny. Instead, it`s lumbering, oddly prim and laughable.

The dialogue passages don't exactly play like Noel Coward, but this is a movie that succeeds rousingly well on its own humble, Saturday-night terms.

Red Sonja returns to those olden days when women were women and the menfolk stood around with funny hats on until called forth to be whacked at.

Worst of all, there's a charmless brat prince for Sonja to take under her wing.

Mr. Fleischer brings absolutely no playfulness to what might, at least, have been enjoyably light. And he brings out the worst in a cast that was ill-chosen to begin with.

This is a sword-and-sorcery adventure for those who like their action fast and furious, their dialogue ropey and their acting filled with more ham than a butcher's shop.

If you are rapt by swollen muscles, heaving bosoms, swordplay and a tirade of hammy, fantasy claptrap, the woefulness of this film won't put you off.

The title sounds as if this movie is about a communist spy, or maybe a new flower. No such luck.

The film is at least as good as Conan the Destroyer. Which is faint praise, indeed.

Sure, there are a few funny moments here and there with several obviously intended jokes, but director Richard Fleischer never milks the elements of self-parody for what they're worth.

It's a truly horrible concoction, filled with stiff, overly serious dialogue, wretched performances, bad lighting and a lazy score by the otherwise great Ennio Morricone.

Unwatchably bad sword-and-sorcery nonsense.